Our brain is the most amazing invention ever created. I say this because of how easily it seems to carry our consciousness, record our memories, process complicated and overwhelming amounts of stimuli, and lastly, on how it chooses to track our reality. The brain is no mere mass of fatty mush; what the brain is capable of doing is still not fully understood today. No matter how we look at it, it will always continue to boggle our understanding. There will always be more to understand, as I believe that it is still a constantly evolving organ of being.
What deeply fascinates me is the left brain's ability to create time, space and identity out of a chaos of information. The left brain is the sanity-maker, the stabilizer of consciousness. It makes sense out of all the stimuli and puts it into a linear path for our egos to follow. Where our right brain simply delights in the beauty of the forest, our left brain cuts a path through it and makes sure that we survive the journey. For a much better description of the difference between the brain hemispheres and what they do, I HIGHLY recommend watching Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, neuroanatomist, describe her personal experience with a stroke that shut down her left hemisphere and propelled her into a whole different realm of existence. Her account is funny, humble, passionate, and amazing. You can find her on www.TED.com. In the search bar, type her name. It will be eighteen moments you'll never forget.
The reason why I bring up the left brain today is not because I wish to give an anatomy lesson. I bring it up because of how I wrestle with perceptions created by it. Picture this: you live in a universe where all moments of time happen at the same time; each moment is simultaneously happening with all other moments in complex layers of history and possibility. All stimuli possible is hitting you, as well...your senses are exploding with information that, if you processed it all, would quickly turn you insane. Everything is energy; there are no boundaries to anything. Everything is nothing more than a drop in a vast ocean. There is no right or wrong, nothing to judge, everything just IS. Fluid consciousness and experience that cannot be defined or organized flows through you...and you are part of it. There is no you, to be exact...there is just Is-ness.
Sound kumbaya? It's not. Welcome to the world of the right brain.
Obviously, in a three dimensional reality, there's no way that we can inhabit a 3-D body and live in this kind of existence. Who would see our boundaries and care for us? And why would we even care about our bodies if they're just packets of energy? To see our bodies, to care for our bodies, to care about our lives in 3-D existence, we need a processor that can stretch moments into a linear reality of time and space relevant to who we are trying to be. We plot a path through the forest while noticing that it is a forest and that we're separate from it...we, and it, are not just a hodge-podge of cosmic goo jamming together and feeling funky oneness. We are distinct from each other, with our own individual needs, desires and agendas.
The ideas of right and wrong, good and evil, crop out of this distinct individuality. We now care about what is best for us. We become selfish. We see others as competition. We hurt each other to get ahead. We unplug from people and groups if we see them as unworthy, unhealthy, harmful, and degraded. We join or ignore for status and respect, or to be seen as attractive, cool, or in-the-know. We are all marketers and spin masters, willing to point out how awesome we are and how despicable someone else is. This is how we make alliances and gain resources and opportunities. This is how we survive. We judge, we personify a God we could never even begin to understand, and we create devils and demons, all in the hopes of being on "the correct side". And our amazing gift of being able to organize chaos becomes a source of anger, hate, fear, confusion and vulnerability, instead.
I had an issue I was dealing with recently. A friend remarked that I even appeared to be "Cybil", complete with full-blown personality disorder, because I was so torn within me over a decision that I had to make. It was a problem of the left brain. My thoughts conflicted violently: Is this a situation that I really want? Am I doing this for the right reasons? Is this a mistake? Am I even capable, based on my passions and perceptions and deep-seated neediness, to even make a correct choice? Will I regret my actions? Am I honoring myself, or degrading myself? My ego fought both sides hard and fast, making up rules and rationalizations as it processed all outcomes. Each time I chose, my brain quickly chose something else. I felt as if I was about to explode, as if everything inside of me that I had kept neatly knotted away was about to rupture and render me stupid. Each pull stopped me from living my life; my worries over acceptance, judgment, right and wrong, impure motivations....I couldn't move. There was no forward or backward. There was only pent up lunacy that shut down any action or choice.
I realized that this battle was ripping me apart. So How did I resolve it? For better or worse, I just surrendered. I followed my passion. I gave up the fight.
Was it the right choice? I don't know...the jury's still out. But the left brain, the device designed to keep me alive, began shutting me down, and I had to act. I had to make a choice. Sometimes you just need to get funky with the cosmic goo. It's not right or wrong. It just is.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
The Unbearable Lightness of Safety
In my profession, I work with the Autonomic Nervous System. The ANS is the part of your nervous system that functions automatically...it controls the functions of the body that you don't have to think about. No one has to think about beating the heart, digesting food, sending the correct hormones throughout the body, etc. The body, in it's incredible wisdom, knows what it needs to do without any help from the ego mind. It just does it. The body is a rather brilliant entity.
The ANS has two distinct personalities. One is called the Sympathetic Nervous System, and the other is the Parasympathetic Nervous System. The Sympathetic is what most people know as "fight or flight". When the SNS is engaged, your body prepares for conflict. Digestion stops, your heart beats quicker, your hair stands up, and all blood and energy moves to your limbs to either fight the attacker or to run from it. In a time of crisis, the SNS is your friend. It highjacks your head and gets you out of danger. You can think about the situation later, because the SNS kept you alive.
The Parasympathetic is the polar opposite. The PNS is what helps you sleep, rest, digest, repair, and enjoy life. Blood and energy get moved back into your core, your heart rate slows, and Human Growth Hormone floats through your blood stream repairing anything that has been damaged. This is the place of safety, with one exception: the PNS can also be in charge of the "Freeze" response, that place where the body needs to "play possum" to survive.
Freeze happens in extreme situations. This is the place of trauma. Say, for example, you're being threatened...let's take for example a car accident. You're driving along, and out of the blue someone seriously hits you. Your senses are heightened, you're tense, your pulse is pounding, but you're stuck. You can't run because you're trapped in the car, and you can't fight because you're encased in steel. You're helpless...and helplessness is the trigger for your next option: the Freeze response. Your thinking gets cloudy, you're in shock, and you pass out.
Freeze is the Parasympathetic's way of saving you. Think of the possum. A dog attacks it, and it can't run or fight back, so it plays dead. In this state, the hope is that the dog will just pass it by and the possum will wake up a bit later, shake the adventure off, and continue on it's merry way. However, if the dog begins to eat it, the possum is already one foot out the door toward a quick death...it just leaves the body, no looking back. Freeze is a planned override of the circuits...you either wake up safe, or you never see the final blow coming.
Problems happen when you wake up and you're still helpless. You can look at a child who is chronically emotionally, mentally, physically or sexually abused. They can't fight off their attacker; they can only "check out" and submit to the abuse over and over again. Or the employee who has an abusive boss that they have to submit to because they desperately need the money and jobs are hard to find. Any time one feels the perception of helplessness on a regular basis, you have the presence of the Freeze response.
People stuck in Freeze are hovering between life and death. It's almost as if the PNS and the SNS are fused together, so all communication gets skewed. Their body is confused, because it doesn't feel safe enough to repair and rebuild. Why repair and rebuild if the body has one foot out the door? My personal opinion (and I have absolutely no data to back this up) is that most chronic illnesses and autoimmune diseases come from a trauma that's been locked in the body for a long time. People learn to live with it....they're in constant fight or flight, or mentally checked out with fuzzy thinking and bad decision making. Something's always off, somehow.
We live in a traumatized society. There's too much stress, too many deadlines, constant bombardment of stimulation and advertisements telling us that we're worthless unless we buy a certain product. We watch news reels that show people dying and being killed. We watch dramas that simulate people dying and being killed. Our brains can't distinguish that what we see on TV isn't real, or that it isn't an immediate threat...it just sees death, drama and torture. Our politicians are out of touch and we're helpless. Our world feels like its on the brink of destruction and we can't stop it. We want out of the rat race, but how do we pay our bills? Our PNS and SNS get out of whack because we're surrounded. We freeze and tune it out...to desensitize is all we can do.
I work with a technology designed to rebalance the ANS by calming the body down, lowering the brainwaves to a delta/theta state, and reprogramming the ANS in the process. But we can see how people's minds will fight the process. The technology is relaxing, comfortable, non-invasive...and yet, many people will come out stressed, or complain how they hate the gentle music, or maybe have an emotional breakdown that they can't let go of. Being in trauma is not a healthy place to be, and people come to us to heal. But they fight it at the same time...can they trust enough to be safe? Can they be safe enough to allow the body to flow gently back into a healthy PNS response? Is it possible to release the need, the addiction, to be constantly vigilant, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and let go into the flow of life?
It's almost like people become angry at themselves for letting go, even for just a moment. We could have been attacked in that moment! How dare we let the sentry at the gate get a rest. This is a dangerous world, after all.
Safety has become a scary place for most of us. We no longer trust that we are loved and cared for. We see danger everywhere we go...we can't even hide from the judgment of others. What are we to do, then, to let our bodies and hearts truly heal?
I think this is where the power of spirit comes in. I think a spiritual belief in something bigger than us, some big thing that somehow loves us unconditionally regardless of our ugliness and stupidity, is the answer. It seems to help me, despite my traumas...when I'm totally overwhelmed, rejected, helpless, I have to remember that there is a force that thinks I'm beautiful, lovable, and worthy, and that somehow this force will make it all right in the long run. I have to surrender, trust and have faith. I think that's what the Biblical passage of, "Though I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil" means. I am, somehow, watched over, and all that happens to me has a divine meaning, and I am loved and respected for my courage to follow the path and to submit to the bigger picture. I will be protected, somehow. And you know, I kind of always have been.
But its a hard walk, this walk of surrender. My mind wants to stay forever on the lookout. There are demons out there! And I have done bad things in my life that I ought to be punished for. Surely my sins and ugliness will betray me somewhere.
And yet, Universe keeps telling me that we have it wrong, somehow. My ugly spots are part of my beauty, part of what shapes me. If I can just stay focused on the fact that I am dearly loved, that no matter what happens in the world I will be okay, if I can just stay in that place, things begin to flow. I don't know. It's hard to feel worthy of love. But I have to believe. It's my way of not being helpless.
The ANS has two distinct personalities. One is called the Sympathetic Nervous System, and the other is the Parasympathetic Nervous System. The Sympathetic is what most people know as "fight or flight". When the SNS is engaged, your body prepares for conflict. Digestion stops, your heart beats quicker, your hair stands up, and all blood and energy moves to your limbs to either fight the attacker or to run from it. In a time of crisis, the SNS is your friend. It highjacks your head and gets you out of danger. You can think about the situation later, because the SNS kept you alive.
The Parasympathetic is the polar opposite. The PNS is what helps you sleep, rest, digest, repair, and enjoy life. Blood and energy get moved back into your core, your heart rate slows, and Human Growth Hormone floats through your blood stream repairing anything that has been damaged. This is the place of safety, with one exception: the PNS can also be in charge of the "Freeze" response, that place where the body needs to "play possum" to survive.
Freeze happens in extreme situations. This is the place of trauma. Say, for example, you're being threatened...let's take for example a car accident. You're driving along, and out of the blue someone seriously hits you. Your senses are heightened, you're tense, your pulse is pounding, but you're stuck. You can't run because you're trapped in the car, and you can't fight because you're encased in steel. You're helpless...and helplessness is the trigger for your next option: the Freeze response. Your thinking gets cloudy, you're in shock, and you pass out.
Freeze is the Parasympathetic's way of saving you. Think of the possum. A dog attacks it, and it can't run or fight back, so it plays dead. In this state, the hope is that the dog will just pass it by and the possum will wake up a bit later, shake the adventure off, and continue on it's merry way. However, if the dog begins to eat it, the possum is already one foot out the door toward a quick death...it just leaves the body, no looking back. Freeze is a planned override of the circuits...you either wake up safe, or you never see the final blow coming.
Problems happen when you wake up and you're still helpless. You can look at a child who is chronically emotionally, mentally, physically or sexually abused. They can't fight off their attacker; they can only "check out" and submit to the abuse over and over again. Or the employee who has an abusive boss that they have to submit to because they desperately need the money and jobs are hard to find. Any time one feels the perception of helplessness on a regular basis, you have the presence of the Freeze response.
People stuck in Freeze are hovering between life and death. It's almost as if the PNS and the SNS are fused together, so all communication gets skewed. Their body is confused, because it doesn't feel safe enough to repair and rebuild. Why repair and rebuild if the body has one foot out the door? My personal opinion (and I have absolutely no data to back this up) is that most chronic illnesses and autoimmune diseases come from a trauma that's been locked in the body for a long time. People learn to live with it....they're in constant fight or flight, or mentally checked out with fuzzy thinking and bad decision making. Something's always off, somehow.
We live in a traumatized society. There's too much stress, too many deadlines, constant bombardment of stimulation and advertisements telling us that we're worthless unless we buy a certain product. We watch news reels that show people dying and being killed. We watch dramas that simulate people dying and being killed. Our brains can't distinguish that what we see on TV isn't real, or that it isn't an immediate threat...it just sees death, drama and torture. Our politicians are out of touch and we're helpless. Our world feels like its on the brink of destruction and we can't stop it. We want out of the rat race, but how do we pay our bills? Our PNS and SNS get out of whack because we're surrounded. We freeze and tune it out...to desensitize is all we can do.
I work with a technology designed to rebalance the ANS by calming the body down, lowering the brainwaves to a delta/theta state, and reprogramming the ANS in the process. But we can see how people's minds will fight the process. The technology is relaxing, comfortable, non-invasive...and yet, many people will come out stressed, or complain how they hate the gentle music, or maybe have an emotional breakdown that they can't let go of. Being in trauma is not a healthy place to be, and people come to us to heal. But they fight it at the same time...can they trust enough to be safe? Can they be safe enough to allow the body to flow gently back into a healthy PNS response? Is it possible to release the need, the addiction, to be constantly vigilant, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and let go into the flow of life?
It's almost like people become angry at themselves for letting go, even for just a moment. We could have been attacked in that moment! How dare we let the sentry at the gate get a rest. This is a dangerous world, after all.
Safety has become a scary place for most of us. We no longer trust that we are loved and cared for. We see danger everywhere we go...we can't even hide from the judgment of others. What are we to do, then, to let our bodies and hearts truly heal?
I think this is where the power of spirit comes in. I think a spiritual belief in something bigger than us, some big thing that somehow loves us unconditionally regardless of our ugliness and stupidity, is the answer. It seems to help me, despite my traumas...when I'm totally overwhelmed, rejected, helpless, I have to remember that there is a force that thinks I'm beautiful, lovable, and worthy, and that somehow this force will make it all right in the long run. I have to surrender, trust and have faith. I think that's what the Biblical passage of, "Though I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil" means. I am, somehow, watched over, and all that happens to me has a divine meaning, and I am loved and respected for my courage to follow the path and to submit to the bigger picture. I will be protected, somehow. And you know, I kind of always have been.
But its a hard walk, this walk of surrender. My mind wants to stay forever on the lookout. There are demons out there! And I have done bad things in my life that I ought to be punished for. Surely my sins and ugliness will betray me somewhere.
And yet, Universe keeps telling me that we have it wrong, somehow. My ugly spots are part of my beauty, part of what shapes me. If I can just stay focused on the fact that I am dearly loved, that no matter what happens in the world I will be okay, if I can just stay in that place, things begin to flow. I don't know. It's hard to feel worthy of love. But I have to believe. It's my way of not being helpless.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
So, why is this blog called "The Search"?
My initial impression is that what I reveal, though personal to me, is going to end up being terribly ordinary. Sorry, folks. Probably no mystery here. I'm sure my words will mirror exactly what countless others have thought and felt throughout the whole of eternity.
My searches are nothing new, as well. Being a middle-aged single woman, I search for who I am. I am at a cusp in my life; since I've hit forty, I've become a different animal than who I was in my twenties. I still look out of my eyes with the heart of a twenty year old, but my body isn't the same. I've become broken. With Rheumatoid Arthritis, I can't do what I used to do. I used to be strong; not anymore. What others take for granted is a chore for me, like opening up a water bottle. My hands are no longer strong enough to twist the cap off without assistance. I have seriously grappled with the profound discovery of my own aging and mortality. Where did the young girl who used to be me go?
My RA has been, however, an amazing teacher. Who am I, really? I used to be a beautiful young heartbreaker, free and easy to love. That was my identity. Sure, I was smart. I could banter well in conversation. I knew a few things. But as I age, as I am forced to gaze unflinchingly at my brokenness, that whole identity has snapped and fallen away. I get fuzzy in my thoughts now. I'm not nearly as smart as I used to think I was. Physically, my body is SO NOT as perfect as it had been. I'm suddenly...vulnerable. When did that happen? When did I become old and unwanted? And what is left in it's place?
This is the revelation of my harsh teacher: every day I look deeper at myself to see where else I can be considered strong and useful. I learn compassion as I am forced to be compassionate for me. I understand the limits of others as I press firmly into mine. I still rage against this process in my soul; however, with hands bound, I am pulled evermore to my knees in order to learn obedience to Spirit and surrender. They are bitter pills, but somehow, they give nourishment in the long run.
This is part of my quest. What IS left of me, and what have I found in place of what I've lost? Am I useless now, or as I surrender do I find new gifts? As a woman, do I no longer exist, or can I still be lovable and sexy with what I've gained? Is the improved ability to love and be loyal valid currency against ruthless beauty with no intention of settling down? And is useless trivial knowledge and banter truly insignificant when compared to the deeper understanding of life and spirit gleaned from actually hacking out a path through the wilderness of living?
So, my search is for me and my connection to Spirit. Is that too much to ask? Or have I just become, in my sad old age, Weird Psycho Internet Chick?
My searches are nothing new, as well. Being a middle-aged single woman, I search for who I am. I am at a cusp in my life; since I've hit forty, I've become a different animal than who I was in my twenties. I still look out of my eyes with the heart of a twenty year old, but my body isn't the same. I've become broken. With Rheumatoid Arthritis, I can't do what I used to do. I used to be strong; not anymore. What others take for granted is a chore for me, like opening up a water bottle. My hands are no longer strong enough to twist the cap off without assistance. I have seriously grappled with the profound discovery of my own aging and mortality. Where did the young girl who used to be me go?
My RA has been, however, an amazing teacher. Who am I, really? I used to be a beautiful young heartbreaker, free and easy to love. That was my identity. Sure, I was smart. I could banter well in conversation. I knew a few things. But as I age, as I am forced to gaze unflinchingly at my brokenness, that whole identity has snapped and fallen away. I get fuzzy in my thoughts now. I'm not nearly as smart as I used to think I was. Physically, my body is SO NOT as perfect as it had been. I'm suddenly...vulnerable. When did that happen? When did I become old and unwanted? And what is left in it's place?
This is the revelation of my harsh teacher: every day I look deeper at myself to see where else I can be considered strong and useful. I learn compassion as I am forced to be compassionate for me. I understand the limits of others as I press firmly into mine. I still rage against this process in my soul; however, with hands bound, I am pulled evermore to my knees in order to learn obedience to Spirit and surrender. They are bitter pills, but somehow, they give nourishment in the long run.
This is part of my quest. What IS left of me, and what have I found in place of what I've lost? Am I useless now, or as I surrender do I find new gifts? As a woman, do I no longer exist, or can I still be lovable and sexy with what I've gained? Is the improved ability to love and be loyal valid currency against ruthless beauty with no intention of settling down? And is useless trivial knowledge and banter truly insignificant when compared to the deeper understanding of life and spirit gleaned from actually hacking out a path through the wilderness of living?
So, my search is for me and my connection to Spirit. Is that too much to ask? Or have I just become, in my sad old age, Weird Psycho Internet Chick?
An Introduction
I've never blogged before. Not once.
To blog, to pour out with intent the contents of my head for the world to see and judge has always been a bit scary for me. And yet, I feel compelled to reach out to others and to communicate said contents in the hopes that somehow I chance upon kindred spirits. Are you out there? Am I alone?
The internet with it's cold access to intimacy is an amazing contradiction. I can truly be me and still hide behind the Ivory Tower. As authentic as I try to be in my life, I find that I still repress thoughts and emotions for the sake of appearances. I guess that's part of the problem of being an introvert. I can play the part and do the dance, but what I feel stays bottled up, my deepest thoughts are known only to me. It's part of the human experience...the body and the ego are isolating mechanisms by design. They are brilliant and completely genius, mind you, but they do put up barriers between the individual and the outsider. Even when deeply in love, there's only so far one can go when trying to join with the soul of the beloved.
So, I'm ready for the adventure. I'm ready to expose myself while at the same time remaining totally anonymous. Curiously strange, this journey. Take it with me and you'll see me with all of my beauty and ugliness, all my wisdom and childish immaturity. Perhaps no one will ever read this but me. That's okay. But if you're out there, welcome aboard.
To blog, to pour out with intent the contents of my head for the world to see and judge has always been a bit scary for me. And yet, I feel compelled to reach out to others and to communicate said contents in the hopes that somehow I chance upon kindred spirits. Are you out there? Am I alone?
The internet with it's cold access to intimacy is an amazing contradiction. I can truly be me and still hide behind the Ivory Tower. As authentic as I try to be in my life, I find that I still repress thoughts and emotions for the sake of appearances. I guess that's part of the problem of being an introvert. I can play the part and do the dance, but what I feel stays bottled up, my deepest thoughts are known only to me. It's part of the human experience...the body and the ego are isolating mechanisms by design. They are brilliant and completely genius, mind you, but they do put up barriers between the individual and the outsider. Even when deeply in love, there's only so far one can go when trying to join with the soul of the beloved.
So, I'm ready for the adventure. I'm ready to expose myself while at the same time remaining totally anonymous. Curiously strange, this journey. Take it with me and you'll see me with all of my beauty and ugliness, all my wisdom and childish immaturity. Perhaps no one will ever read this but me. That's okay. But if you're out there, welcome aboard.
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