Now that I'm officially on winter break I can begin reading fun books again. I recently borrowed from a friend Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy by Eric Metaxas. I have a stack of books on my nightstand begging to be read, but they'll just have to wait until I can manage to get through these 624 pages.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer was a Lutheran theologian and pastor who made the difficult decision to be part of a plot to assassinate Adolf Hitler. After an unsuccessful attempt, he was arrested, placed in a concentration camp and later executed for his actions against the Reich. At a time when many other "Christian" leaders were condoning Hitler's Final Solution, Bonhoeffer became one of the first to not only speak out against Hitler, but to actually risk his life in order to prevent the genocide from continuing. Though I've barely begun, I am looking forward to getting deeper inside this book to learn all about Bonhoeffer's heroic story.
I see in Bonhoeffer qualities that I wish I had. Here was a man of exquisite intelligence. His thirst for knowledge, his natural curiosity, was limitless. With a nimble mind and an affinity for deep subjects, Bonhoeffer never shied away from troubling topics or discussions, but instead excelled at working out difficult solutions and devising unique perspectives. He was full of life and passion, and through amazing discipline, he channeled his energies into expanding who he was while staying humble and grateful. This expansion lead him to alter the lives of so many others in positive ways. How I wish that I was more like this. I know it all comes down to a moment of decision and commitment; and yet, I seem to just keep falling back to old, easy, uninspired patterns.
As my last post shows, I have been depressed and struggling with the image of the person that I have become. Bad choices, careless actions, and a twisted pride alienated me and actually kept me from reaching my true potential. I have wished over and over and over again that I could change who I am. Interestingly, an insight from Bonhoeffer could be the answer, if only I can muster up the courage to move forward with it.
Bonhoeffer had a time in his late teens when he looked at the Catholic Church with interest, but not as a convert. He had spent time in Rome and was fascinated by the history that was intertwined with the religion. To be Catholic was to be Roman (after Constantine and the Nicaean Council, of course). He contemplated the early theologians and the Catholic sacraments; did the sacraments, as practiced by the church today, still mean what they originally meant to the faithful?
I found myself laughing at this. I remembered the sacrament of Confession; as a young Roman Catholic girl, I went to St. Mary's Elementary School and was taught how to successfully confess all of my sins. If I had none, I was told to go into the quiet box and whisper a sin that I had made up. To lie was a sin, unless it helped you to fulfill your duty in the confessional.
Once I confessed whatever ugliness my young child mind was capable of creating (it was never THAT exciting...I had a reputation as a "good girl" to maintain, or else I had to withstand my parents' wrath), the priest would gently tell me to go say three Hail Mary's, two Our Fathers, yada yada. That was penance. Go to the front of the church, kneel down and count out your prayer list. Easy, peasy...sin's all gone! For centuries this has been the way to clear your soul in the eyes of the church: confess, pray your list or pay the priest money (a.k.a. Black Market Absolution), and your soul is squeaky clean again. Off you go to sin again, for you are a sinning human by design and changing your ways is not in the cards. See you next week! Next sinner, please...
In my struggle with myself, I have begun to see this sacrament differently. Grace and absolution isn't that easy, nor should it be. I view the concept of "sin" not as "inherent evil in the human soul", but as a separation. Sin, to me, is to be separate from The Great Mystery. It is to be separate from your own soul. It is when your divine light births itself into the world, and you are taught from that time to love, to trust, to believe in yourself is wrong. You are trained to be a puppet of others so that they can manipulate you into something small, and for the rest of your life you believe it. That, to me, is sin. And I have sinned fully, faithfully and completely.
To confess, to me, is not something one does lightly. It is not a weekly ritual. It is the time when one gazes at oneself and sees that one has done damage. It may be damage to others, or it may be damage to oneself. The sinner realizes that they are separated from who they truly are, and they fall to their knees, weeping, understanding that in order to move forward they must make the decision to change and commit with full mind, body and soul. An alcoholic cries, sees how he's hurt his family, and he is not only sorry, but vows to never do this action again. An addict realizes that they have degraded themselves, and with threadbare soul chooses another life that will revalue their self worth. Confession should not be an empty act. Confession should be a point of cataclysmic change. The soul has cried out, has spoken volumes within a quivering mass of flesh, and that flesh becomes reborn, humbly, into a new life.
Though I speak of Confession in Christian terms, no one religion has a monopoly on this sacrament. It goes beyond religion. Whenever a person has a moment of profound sorrow and regret that brings upon a life conversion, it is an act of Spirit. Somewhere, somehow, divine light breaks through, and if the ego mind is strong enough, courageous enough, to submit to Spirit, then anything is possible in the convert's life. Anything.
I have confessed over and over, but I have been stuck in my childlike training that three Hail Mary's and two Our Fathers can make everything okay. Just take a pill and you will heal, no diet change or exercise plan necessary. But it doesn't work like that. I must be brave and strong; I must want a change so badly that to rest in my twisted comfort zone is more painful than the effort I must put into something better. I have to stop being a victim, stop blaming God, parents, a bad economy, etc. It is the choice of responsibility; I have to quite whining and grow up.
I pray for the gift of grace and strength. Something's got to give. It's time to channel the spirit of Bonhoeffer. Will my courage hold out? I can only pray that it will.
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