The Search Continues...

It has been well over a year since I've written anything for this blog.

I have been in a rut, to say the least. I think I gave up on the thought that I had anything left to say. It certainly hasn't been that I've not felt passion, nor has it been that I've had no new ideas stewing within this head of mine. And yet, the inkwell has been dry. Even now, I struggle to put words on this page, struggle to see my expression as anything more than a forced exercise meant to coax out some form of creativity from my silenced soul.

But coax it out, I must. I have lost myself, dear readers...lost myself to an inadequate perception of who I was and who I am, lost myself to a disease that keeps me in constant pain. I gave all my power away to belief systems too small for me and also to individuals, whom I love dearly, yet who do not know or, sadly, are too selfish to care about who I am. It's my fault; I made them, the people and the beliefs, my world. I loved them and clung to them as a child does her favorite doll...problem is, I made them bigger than I am, which is silly, since this is MY world and I am Goddess here. And now, upon awakening from this dark dream, I am weary of self destructive doubt. My blog, originally called "The Search" to document my search for the man of my dreams, has turned into a bigger, and more juicy, search. It is time to reclaim myself.

So, who am I? You know, I've shut down so fully that I've lost interest in so many things. As a child I loved drawing, and writing, and astronomy, and psychic phenomenon, and magic. I spent a summer, when I was nineteen, working at a small airport and snagging a few flying lessons. I was, for a time, a "healer", and got involved as a massage therapist and colon hydrotherapist. I was interested in psychology and dream work. I pondered different dimensions and realms of reality. I did estate planning, machine shop work, fix-n-flips when the housing market was good...I laid a mean tile, baby! I sold retail, had my own businesses, studied medieval history in college, pondered going to seminary...as a matter of fact, as a girl in my late teens, I could go through the college course book and had a hard time picking a major because I wanted to do and be EVERYTHING. And now I sit on a couch and play Candy Crush for hours. What happened to me?

So, its time for a new search. I DID find a lovely man to enjoy time with, but I fear that I have grown old and boring and I am, still, terribly unfulfilled. Its time to rediscover life, to tell this stupid disease of Rheumatoid Arthritis that it can no longer have me, and to plunge back into the daylight, one hobbled footfall at a time. I'm not dead yet; a little rougher around the seams, perhaps. But I am still here and still breathing. Let's see what happens.